As a Christian I have learned it’s not easy trading my will for God’s. That the process of surrender sometimes includes mental wrestling and exhaustion as I die to myself.
No one prepared me for having a dream die, especially after living a faith filled life. What do I do? How do I handle the loss and the pain? What’s the process? Why am I being punished?
At first the process of reconciling my crushed heart to the surrender of God’s Will seemed impossible. So many times the pain, grief, and anger steal my breath and all I can do is sob. I have no one to blame and many times my anger is misdirected at Him.
Yet…
He still faithful to meet me. He’s faithful to comfort me when the world seems dark and soul crushing. He’s faithful to bring along peace and soothe my soul as only He can do.
Psalms 56:8 says He collects our tears in a bottle. He knows exactly how many tears I’ve shed.
My heart is grateful. Very grateful that surgery saved my life and ended 30 years of undiagnosed chronic pain. But the grief…
I keep telling my heart it’s alright to let go, to turn over the pain completely to the only One who can heal it. Then another wave washes over me.
Tonight is a tough night. Tonight I mourn for the children I always wanted to carry and can’t. Tonight I try to reconcile my obedience in waiting with what feels like punishment. Tonight I sit with the pain and with the One who understands. Tonight I take another step forward in healing.
And tomorrow…Tomorrow is another day and in which His mercies are new.
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment